So You Think You're a People-Pleaser
It’s not toxic. It’s not weak. Maybe you’re just someone who learned to survive.
In my counseling office, whenever clients identify that they struggle with some habitual people-pleasing tendencies, they often start being all kinds of mean to themselves. The self-loathing and self-judgment really pops off.
Furthermore, clients don’t often say that they “struggle with people-pleasing” – they’re more likely to say that they’re a “people-pleaser.” (Do you see how they moved from describing an action to describing an identity? Oof.)
Drenched in peak “therapy talk” on social media and the general cultural milieu, the idea of “people-pleasing" has become icky, right up there with “codependency” or “being needy.” It’s the opposite of how most people (seemingly) would like to be - independent, confident, self-aware, emotionally intelligent, and perfectly healthy in all relationships.
But here’s the point that I share with my clients and what I’ll give to you today - people-pleasing is just another coping strategy, and it’s usually developed as a protective measure.1
Additionally, it’s not any worse than any other coping strategy.
One of my spiciest takes and cornerstone beliefs as a therapist is that coping strategies are not good or bad.
People get all kinds of stressed out and turn themselves into knots describing their terrible, horrible, no good, very bad coping habits (ranging from substance use to a social media addiction to disordered eating to only reading Dramione fanfiction, to name a few) and I just want to lean in, hand them a soothing tea, and say, “Hey, take a breath. Coping habits are neutral, babe.”
Can we engage in coping habits that are ill-advised, destructive, or straight-up illegal? For sure. And we have to deal with the consequences of our actions.
But the fact that we have turned to that specific behavior or tendency to self-soothe, distract, or protect ourselves is inherently neutral and, quite often, very understandable when we think about how trauma impacts us.
I have a theory that if we only perceive our coping strategies with disgust and shame, we can’t learn about the motivations that prompt us to turn to those coping strategies and gain capacity to pick different ones.
Instead, we just sit in the fact that we hate our coping strategies and that we’re (apparently?) just stupid or lazy enough to pick the same dumb coping strategies over and over again.
And the truth of it is, our brains and bodies turned to that specific coping strategy for a specific reason in a certain season. The issue is that our coping skill might not be serving us anymore and may not align with our core values or who we’d like to become. It’s just really difficult to change neural pathways and manage our mental health symptoms so that new coping skills can be identified and regularly utilized.
When it comes to people-pleasing, these tendencies are often developed in contexts drenched in chaos, unpredictability, or emotional volatility. For example, they may emerge if a child has to preserve their own emotional or physical wellness by not angering or disappointing a caregiver. Kids may also engage in people-pleasing to navigate homelife if they have been conditioned to feel responsible for other people’s emotions.
When our brain senses danger, it may prompt our nervous system to go into “fight, flight, or freeze” responses in order to avoid the danger. Pete Walker is a psychotherapist that first coined the fourth “F” to add to the collection of trauma responses - “fawning.”
Fawning can encompass a ton of behaviors, including a neglect of personal needs and boundaries, a hypervigilant awareness of others’ emotions, not being able to say “no,” feeling unaware of personal emotions, and needing others’ approval or advice before making decisions. One of the primary behaviors of fawning is (you guessed it!) - people-pleasing.
Essentially, if you find yourself moving into some people-pleasing behavior, it might be because a part of your brain may think your situation is unsafe, so it automatically moves you into some behavior that can diffuse any possible tension and prevent conflict, rejection, shame, or humiliation.
When moving into people-pleasing (or fawning), your brain automatically decides that while you are in danger, the most effective way to keep yourself safe is to dismiss your own needs, over-apologize, or saying “yes” when you really want to say “no.”
See? People-pleasing isn’t the worst coping skill ever. It’s neutral. And it was probably instilled within you to keep you safe.
And there’s hope - neural pathways are “plastic,” which means that our brain is always able to adapt. We always get to change our coping strategies and the ways that we engage with ourselves and others.
Once someone identifies that they struggle with people-pleasing, the best next step is to offer some self-validation and comfort as they explore where this coping strategy may have originated. It probably developed for very good reasons, and that’s worthy of care and gentleness.
The next step is to consider how to pay attention to their emotions and learn about their needs. How could someone begin to slowly prioritize what they need, rather than what others want? Are there ways that they could begin to re-frame their feelings of danger when making self-advocating decisions? Could they use internal reassurances or even reassurances from supportive friends or family as they begin to develop this muscle?
I’ll go first: you are not in your villain era when you say “no” to someone, disagree with someone in power, or set a boundary.2 You’re being brave, and you’re advocating for yourself. (Go you!)
Disclaimer: This essay is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Reading or engaging with this content does not constitute therapy, nor should it be considered professional advice or a substitute for therapy. Everyone’s experiences are unique, so what’s shared here may or may not resonate with you. For more details, please review the full disclaimer on my About page before reading. To learn more about my clinical work, please click here.
Just a note that I tend to use the words “coping strategy,” “coping skill,” and “coping habit” interchangeably.
Unless do this in a really nasty way and then yeah, maybe we should talk about your predisposition to villain-hood.