Rest Is Still on My To-Do List
Reflections on hustle culture, trauma responses, and the radical act of slowing down.
I am about to have a big milestone birthday, and as a tremendously nostalgic person, I’m deep in reflection about the highs and lows of my life up until this point. The accomplishments, the regrets, and goals for the future. The things I’m proud of. The things I’m tremendously grateful for. The people who have shaped my life. My current list of enemies upon whom I must seek vengeance. (For legal reasons, I’m going to state that I’m obviously kidding.)
Yes, I am the person at a birthday dinner who insists on asking “birthday questions” and demands that they’re asked of me on my birthday. I’m a great time at parties.
Throughout my birthday reflections this year, I’ve noted important things like identifying my three fictional archetypes - Jo March, Hermione Granger, and Anne of Green Gables. (Please feel free to share your fictional archetypes in the comments - I’d truly love to know!)
I’ve also created a 127-song Spotify playlist of my favorite music from my childhood till now, ranging from Disney ballads to my college’s fight song to Chappell Roan, with a predictable amount of Taylor Swift songs sprinkled throughout (22, to be precise).
And I’ve identified one of the recent growth points that I’m most proud of - an increased comfortability with rest.
Now, to be clear, I still struggle with rest. Do I have to occasionally trick myself into resting by adding it as an item on my checklist? Yes. But I’m getting way better at resting than in years past!
I know that I’m not the only person who struggles to justify rest. It shows up in my counseling room all the time, particularly with high-achieving, independent clients who have really succeeded in navigating chronically stressful environments.
We all know that rest is important. Rest enables our brains and bodies to rejuvenate and replenish. Rest allows us to continue in our work and our goals for the long-term, rather than burning out or becoming resentful.
Rest can include everything from a good night of sleep to switching out a workout program when muscles are achingly sore. It can include noticing when our hearts are overwhelmed and pivoting into activities that are hope-drenched and refreshing.
In short, rest honors our humanity. It acknowledges that we aren’t robots and that we have limits to our capacity.
So then why do some of us struggle with rest? Sometimes rest isn’t just hard - it can feel straight-up scary.
Rest often feels scary when your nervous system has been stuck on “overdrive.” When you have experienced trauma or even chronically stressful situations, your body may have adapted by keeping your nervous system hypervigilant and activated.
Our society rewards hustle and grind. We celebrate people who push through difficulty. We admire folks that chase their goals without hesitation. Don’t even get me started on how the Internet and technology has impacted our speed of productivity. What a love-hate relationship!
So this isn’t just a you thing - we’ve all been conditioned to forsake rest in the name of productivity and perfectionism. A lot of us live in hyperdrive.
You are super focused on what tasks you have to complete in order to achieve what your brain perceives as stability and safety.
Your brain is constantly figuring out how to problem-solve, always scanning for stressors that need to be managed and eradicated.
Your cortisol levels are regularly elevated so that you can stay energized and focused in the midst of many logistics and stressors.
You may not be able to pay attention to your emotions or your exhaustion because you feel like taking a break is literally not available to you. (Because who else can do all of this stuff? And do it as well as you could?)
It may be that, deep down, a part of your brain worries that if you don’t get your to-do list done and get that project back to your boss, you would be in danger of experiencing your boss’s disappointment or rejection. You may even feel like you’re running the risk of getting fired if your project is even a tiny bit behind your schedule. This means that you might feel like you’re risking both relational security and financial stability.
Maybe you have found your identity in being high-achieving, successful, perfect, and productive. You are known as a hard-worker, as someone who goes above and beyond expectations. You consistently sacrifice your own needs for other’s expectations or needs. You receive praise and recognition for this behavior.
And you know what? You’re pretty damn good at it. You look at a goal or a need and you don’t meet it - you crush it into oblivion with your awesomeness.
Until you can’t anymore.
Maybe you get sick, your mental health starts to suffer, you start to feel burned out or resentful in your work, or your relationships get tense.
And then maybe you have a whole team of annoying medical providers or therapists like me telling you to rest, take care of yourself, and pay attention to your needs, which feels…awful?
If you’re someone who generally operates in a pretty hyperactive nervous system (always go-go-go, lots of adrenaline & cortisol), it can feel really disorienting to slow down.
All of the emotions you successfully pushed up may come up. Your body may actually get sick out of the blue. It might feel really vulnerable to not be in “hustle mode.” Because what happens to your identity if you’re not keeping up that productivity?
Please hear me say - if rest is a foreign concept to your mind and body, you’ll need to slowly increase your tolerance for rest. It’s like a muscle that you have to build, as weird as it sounds.
There are some ways to slowly increase your comfortability with rest.
Firstly, it’s important to find ways to help your body find pockets of calm. Schedule 5-15 minutes in your day every day during which you can practice rest.
Try a short (less than 5 minutes to start!) daily breathing exercise or meditative practice in the morning before the craziness in your day starts and in the evening as you get ready to go to sleep.
Go for a slow walk without your earbuds and notice your surroundings.
Take a moment and pay attention to your breathing, putting one hand on your chest and one on your belly.
Put all tech away at least 30 minutes before you go to sleep.
Practice a short stretching routine in the middle of your day.
Secondly, try to change the way you talk to yourself about rest. Here are some mantras that may help to shift your internal language:
Rest is not a luxury, it is a need.
Everyone’s version of rest might look different.
You are not a robot, you are a human with a limited capacity and needs.
Rest is not a break from healing - it is healing.
To be honest with you, I suspect that I’ll need to continue to tend to my relationship with rest throughout the rest of my life.
While I’m really proud of the fact that my body feels a lot safer than it used to when I do take days off or practice gentleness with myself, my husband still has to low-key pressure me into taking a sick day. It’s actually a Lupka family value - gently but firmly bossing each other into resting because we both suck at it. (Sigh.)
My hope in bringing this up is that you know that if rest is hard for you, you’re not alone. There’s not something wrong with you. Your body and mind will need time to adjust to going at a slower pace.
But it’s worth it. More importantly, you’re worth it.
Disclaimer: This essay is intended for educational and informational purposes only. Reading or engaging with this content does not constitute therapy, nor should it be considered professional advice or a substitute for therapy. Everyone’s experiences are unique, so what’s shared here may or may not resonate with you. For more details, please review the full disclaimer on my About page before reading. To learn more about my clinical work, please click here.